Simple Solutions to Shyness Read online

  Simple solutions to shyness

  Problem: many people struggle with public speaking, or find themselves stammering or blushing when they try and express their opinion in a conversation. Shyness is often seen as a minor, inconsequential flaw with no impact on the daily lives of those who experience it. However, it can soon become debilitating in interpersonal relationships.

  Aims: to learn where your shyness comes from and get it under control.

  FAQs:I have been shy since I was a child. Should I just accept it and learn to live with it?

  Acting is often recommended as a way of combatting shyness. Does it actually work?

  Are all shy people introverts?

  Can shyness be an advantage in the world of work?

  I avoid all social activity because meeting new people and talking in public terrifies me. Am I just shy, or is it something more serious?“I’m incredibly shy. Whenever I’m in a group with people I don’t know very well, I stay in the background and pray that nobody asks me a question or starts a conversation with me. When that happens and I feel that everyone’s eyes are on me, I look at my feet, go red and quickly mumble a short answer, hoping that that will be the end of it.” (Jennifer, 30)

  Although it is far from a serious illness, in modern society and especially in the world of work, shyness is often seen as a terrible flaw that can hold back those who suffer from it. Indeed, the model employee is expected to be outgoing, enjoy teamwork, take initiative and be able to assert themselves and express their opinion. The same goes for our personal lives, where evenings with friends often turn into a chance to meet new people. However, social skills do not come naturally to everyone. Some people break out in a cold sweat, tremble, experience palpitations and face a whole host of other unpleasant symptoms at the very thought of taking part in a conversation. Shy people find themselves paralysed in social situations and pushed into the background on a daily basis. They are plagued by doubts that they cannot shake off, and feel that they are being judged harshly every time they express an opinion or put forward an idea. While shyness can be debilitating in everyday life, a much more serious form of pathological shyness known as social anxiety disorder or social phobia may take hold if it is not dealt with, on both an individual and a professional level. But where does shyness come from? And why does it only affect some of us? Some people are constantly brimming with confidence and everything always seems to go their way – what is their secret? What can we do to, if not conquer shyness, at least get our social anxiety under control so that it no longer rules our lives and our relationships with other people?

  In 50 minutes, you will find out the secrets of your shyness: where it comes from, why it is so severe and, above all, how you can overcome it, with the help of targeted advice and practical tools to use on a daily basis.

  What is the psychological mechanism behind shyness?

  Is shyness just a flaw, or is it an illness?

  A flaw that can appear at any age

  “Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood.” (Marie Curie, scientist and two-time winner of the Nobel Prize)

  While the Collins English Dictionary defines a shy person as someone who “is nervous and uncomfortable in the company of other people”, the French psychiatrist Christophe André gives a much more precise definition. According to him, this psychological mechanism manifests itself in an individual when they are faced with anxiety-inducing social situations. Although the shy person has a clear desire to build relationships and interact with those around them, they become withdrawn and avoidant in order to escape the embarrassment and discomfort they experience.

  Shyness is a universal problem which can affect anyone, regardless of their gender, nationality or social status. Some great personalities were reportedly extremely shy, sometimes to an unhealthy extent. According to a study carried out by the American psychologist Philip Zimbardo at Stanford University, almost one person in two admits to feeling shy on a daily basis. These results have been confirmed by other studies carried out across the world.

  Did you know?

  The French actor Jacques Villeret (1951-2005) was extremely shy, but this did not stop him from having a successful film career. He once claimed that he did not trust people who were not shy, as he saw this as abnormal (Durieux, 2008).

  Shyness can occur at any age, and is part of the normal development of every individual. For example, in the 1960s the American psychoanalyst René Spitz drew attention to a particular phenomenon, which he called “eight-month anxiety” and which manifests itself in the infant as a fear of strangers and a refusal to leave the arms of its attachment figure, usually the mother. Most children between the ages of two and three also go through a phase of shyness around strangers, which may be longer or shorter depending on their personality. Adolescents are also not immune to shyness: according to a study carried out on a sample of some 10 000 American teenagers between the ages of 13 and 18, around 50% of young people describe themselves as shy, and almost 12% display signs of social phobia (Burstein, Ameli-Grillon and Merikangas, 2011). This fear of the unfamiliar generally disappears in adulthood, although this is not always the case. It is also worth pointing out that adults who never suffered from shyness as children can by affected by social anxiety.

  “When I was a child, I used to talk to everyone and I wasn’t afraid of interacting with strangers. That all changed when I reached adolescence. Some of my classmates started to reject me and make fun of me, for no good reason, just because they didn’t like the way I dressed or talked. I must have been 13. That was when I started to withdraw into myself.” (Sarah, 25)

  A matter of circumstances?

  It is easier to recognise shyness by the symptoms which characterise it than by the situations which trigger it. However, a distinctive feature of shyness is that it is always linked to social situations; indeed, shyness only exists in relation to other people. Although this makes it difficult to draw up a concrete list of anxiety-inducing situations which cause significant stress and encourage a person to become shy, it is nonetheless possible to outline general social circumstances which trigger the feeling of discomfort and unease that shy people suffer from. In most cases, this embarrassment manifests itself when we become the centre of attention and all eyes are on us, because we feel that there is nowhere to hide and judgement, whether it is positive or negative, is now inevitable. Stepping into the spotlight is a significant source of anxiety for shy people. Frequent and unavoidable anxiety-inducing situations include:

  giving a presentation in front of a group of people (class, work colleagues, an audience, etc.);

  sitting an oral exam or being interviewed for a job;

  talking to someone we find attractive;

  having a discussion with someone we admire;

  meeting new people.

  The five types of shyness

  The psychiatric specialists at the Saint-Anne hospital centre in Paris distinguish between five types of shyness, which are connected to the particular situation:

  action shyness, linked to the fear of bothering others;

  performance shyness, the most common kind of shyness, involving a fear of judgement;

  everyday shyness, which corresponds with anxiety caused by conversations and small talk;

  self-revelation shyness, characterised by apprehension about revealing personal information;

  visibility shyness, which, as its name suggests, corresponds to the embarrassment resulting from being looked at by other people.

  A wide range of symptoms

  Since social anxiet
y is so widespread and so varied, it is difficult to produce an exhaustive list of its symptoms. However, these symptoms can be divided into three main categories:

  Physiological symptoms, which include all the signs of stress expressed by the body, whether or not they are visible to other people. As such, a shy person in an anxiety-inducing situation will display signs of obvious physical discomfort, such as blushing, a dry mouth, sweaty palms, trembling, excessive sweating, and tension in certain parts of the body, such as the shoulders. These symptoms can become more intense and resemble the symptoms of a panic attack, namely heart palpitations, difficulty breathing, vertigo, nausea or a buzzing in the ears.

  Behavioural symptoms, which include, on the one hand, repressive behaviours put in place to avoid situations which cause anxiety (passivity during conversations, avoidant attitude, efforts to go unnoticed, voluntary withdrawal within a group), and, on the other hand, uncontrollable conduct which appears in response to a strong feeling of stress (change in the speed of talking, stammering and stuttering, clumsiness, uncontrollable tics, etc.).

  Psychological symptoms, which can be further divided into two sub-categories: cognitive symptoms and affective symptoms. Cognitive symptoms manifest themselves as a negative and self-destructive way of thinking (fear of judgement, extreme perfectionism, feeling of being unable to think, tendency to imagine the worst-case scenario in a given situation or to dwell on a negative impression, and so on). Affective symptoms, on the other hand, involve a person’s emotions and are characterised by low self-esteem, constant self-deprecation, and feelings of shame, embarrassment, inferiority, sadness or even despair.

  Test: are you nervous in social situations?

  The following table, which is based on these various symptoms, will allow you to determine whether you are a shy person. If you answer ‘true’ to the majority of the statements, there is a good chance that you suffer from social anxiety.

  The different faces of social anxiety

  It is quite common to feel uncomfortable in public or anxious in a particular situation. But does this always count as shyness? What about nerves? And what is the difference between extreme shyness and social phobia?

  It is important to clearly distinguish between these three concepts, because the treatment for them is different.

  Nerves are temporary and situation-dependent. They are a state of anxiety felt in a given situation, and more specifically a few moments before facing this stressful situation. The symptoms and their intensity then lessen, before disappearing completely.

  Shyness is a permanent state and a way of being. Even though it is not pathological, it can still hold the sufferer back in their relationships with other people.

  Social phobia appears when shyness becomes pathological. Behaviours of avoidance or withdrawal, and the symptoms generated by anxiety-inducing situations, become increasingly debilitating for the sufferer. In this case, it is essential to see a professional in order to deal with the problem.

  When shyness becomes pathological

  When shyness becomes pathological, it manifests itself as a very pronounced and long-lasting anxiety which leads to the systematic avoidance of situations in which the individual may be seen and criticised by other people. As such, social phobia can be considered as the pathological form of shyness in the sense that, while it has the same symptoms, they are more intense and the avoidant behaviour is permanent.

  Indeed, while a shy person feels nervous and physically and mentally uncomfortable in certain situations, they do not always try to avoid them, because they have a strong desire to communicate and interact with others. Conversely, someone suffering from social phobia will have a panic attack which lasts, and even gets worse, until they have escaped the anxiety-inducing situation, often by running away, and will systematically try and avoid all social contact.

  “When I was doing a research internship, I regularly had to ask students to fill in questionnaires in the library. I was always afraid of disturbing people or of being unceremoniously rejected. I used to hide in the stairwell, my heart would pound, my breath would come in gasps, and I could not stop shaking. It was torture. Most of the time, I got one of the other interns to go instead of me or I waited until the room was almost empty before I went in. Even though it always went fine, I was still anxious every time I had to go back there, and my anxiety only went away when I finally left the library.” (Sarah, 25)

  Although it is difficult to draw up a standard list of symptoms that manifest themselves in shy people, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) gives a very precise description of the characteristics of those suffering from social phobia. These include:

  Marked and sustained apprehension concerning one or more situations in which they could be exposed to people they do not know or who might judge them. They are then afraid of displaying nervous behaviour or symptoms of nervousness which will be humiliating or embarrassing for them.

  A strong feeling of anxiety, or even of systematic panic, generated by the mere fact of being with other people in certain circumstances.

  An awareness that their fear is excessive and irrational.

  Intense anxiety or distress when they avoid or face up to the stressful situation or the situation of being the centre of attention that they had feared.

  Severe suffering and major disturbance in their daily life caused by the behaviour put in place to avoid anxiety-inducing situations and by the symptoms experienced.

  It is also important to specify that this pathology is not linked to any other medical condition, and does not result from the consumption of any substances or from a mental illness. However, the suffering it causes can be so intense that the person feels that their only option is alcohol, drugs, sedatives or even suicide. Social phobia is therefore a serious pathology that must be treated by a professional, through therapy and, in some cases, through additional treatment with medication.

  Did you know?

  Social phobia reportedly affects between 2% and 7% of the world’s population, making it the third most widespread pathology, after depression and alcoholism.

  Why are people shy?

  How can we explain this feeling of anxiety, discomfort and fear? Why are some people affected by it, while others are completely immune to it? Is shyness innate or acquired? Researchers have been fascinated by the subject for a number of years. There is a plethora of studies on the origins of this problem, and they do not all point to a single source. Indeed, they all agree that shyness stems from a combination of several factors, which can be genetic, familial, social or cultural, or can result from the person’s experiences, which can have a significant influence on how they react to other people.

  Biological predisposition

  Several studies have tried to demonstrate a predisposition to shyness through scientific experiments and research. For example, it has been noted that infants who are particularly fearful around people they do not know tend to grow up into shy children and adults. Similarly, the American psychologist Jerome Kagan and his team have been working for almost 20 years on the temperament of children, which they classify into two categories: inhibited, meaning that the child is more introverted, shy and solitary, and uninhibited, meaning that the child is very sociable. Using these results as a starting point, other specialists have then tried to establish a link between the inhibited temperament of a child and their predisposition to social anxiety. It has been shown that social anxiety is three times more common in children who display inhibited behaviour.

  This predisposition is also influenced by the parents. Children whose parents suffer from anxiety, panic disorder or depression are more prone to developing social phobia as they grow up.

  The family environment

  Upbringing also plays an important role in a person’s shyness. In the same way that a shy temperament can be inherited f
rom the child’s mother or father, it can also be passed on as they grow up. Parents are a child’s first role models. If one of them is anxious in social situations, this may subconsciously influence the child and cause them to react in the same way. This is known as acquired shyness.

  Shyness can be explicitly taught. Shy parents tend to teach their children to think carefully before they speak, to be reserved around strangers, to avoid making themselves noticeable, and so on. In addition, certain parental behaviours tend to encourage the development of social anxiety in children, especially if they already have a shy temperament. These behaviours can take various forms:

  Overprotectiveness. By wanting to shelter their child, overprotective parents tend to present the world as a dangerous place, leading the child to be excessively mistrustful of others and their surroundings. This behaviour can make children fearful and sap their self-confidence, causing them to be shy around others.

  Disparagement. Children who have been criticised a lot and have been frequently belittled by one or both parents are likely to grow up with much lower self-esteem and self-confidence than other children and will be more likely to become shy, as they will feel that they are not good enough to take their rightful place in society.

  Excessive authority. Being too authoritarian or demanding towards a child can stop them from really expressing themselves, or even from developing their own personality. They will learn to avoid giving their opinion and to say yes to anything that is asked of them in order to avoid conflict.

  Negative experiences

  Individuals’ negative experiences over the course of their lives can represent another aspect of the acquired nature of shyness. Some traumatic events are internalised and go on to shape our behaviour and reactions in similar situations to the one already experienced.